1. Hunt, kill, and eat an African elephant all by myself.
  2. Kill 1,000 puppies (three hundred sixty-eight down, six hundred thirty-two to go!).
  3. Be on the Conan O'Brien Show.
  4. Have an overseas bank account (ie: Swiss, Cayman Islands, ...).
  5. Have dominion over the free AND oppressed world.
  6. Throw up in space.
  7. Convince a mentally retarded person that the world really is flat.
  8. Live in a foreign country for a year until "the heat dies down".
  9. Discover a tribe of primitive humans and have them named after me.
  10. Make that primitive tribe of humans worship me like the god I am.
  11. Build and live in my own ziggurat. Then get a tatoo on my arm that says "I live in a ziggurat".
  12. Become exiled.
  13. Become excommunicated.
  14. Bring back peerage and the nobility to the U.S. (I will be an archduke, of course.)
  15. Be burned at the stake for being a heretic.
  16. Wake up in a crypt. (Think The Game with Michael Douglas.)
  17. Directly cause an entire species of animal to become extinct.
  18. Build a spaceship with the likeness of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
  19. Built a toilet that automatically plays Tuff Enough by the Fabulous Thunderbirds after you flush.
  20. Become a slumlord.
  21. Form my own, hardcore goth band--much more shocking than Marilyn Manson. (My name will be Meduso Killrath, Archangel of Darkness.)
  22. Charter a 737 for a week and have it take off and land as many times as possible at Santa Monica airport simply to annoy the surrounding geriatric residents who complain about everything.
  23. Write a book.
  24. Write another book, this one about a planet filled with lesbian centaurs!
  25. Drive a tank.
  26. Start my own brewery.
  27. Make friends with some lesbian centaurs.
  28. Take no prisoners.
  29. Learn the elusive language of the Yeti well enough to become their ambassador to the United Nations.
  30. Use my newfound Yeti powers to kill as many of them as I can. (suckers!)
  31. Meet a Welchman.
  32. Meet the Welchman's cute sister and trick her into sleeping with me.
  33. Manipulate one of the Yeti to kill the Welchman before he finds out that I'm sleeping with his sister.
  34. Convince the Welchman's sister that it's okay to be curious, especially when it involves lesbian centaurs.
  35. Marry a girl of royalty and become a prince-consort.
  36. Legally change my name to Joe Walcek by Mennen so I can have that "by Mennen" soundbite play after someone says my name.
  37. Construct a time machine to travel back in time to the late Jurassic Period and setup an ice-cream parlor. Why an ice-cream parlor, you ask? How many ice-cream parlors were around 150 million years ago? Zero. Was it extremely hot and unbearable back then? Yes. You do the math.
  38. Get a surrogate mother for my eventual marriage to a centaur woman (or centaurette, in the parlence of our times). That way I could raise a normal human/centaur family without getting those annoying beastiality remarks. And you know... to have two wives!
  39. Telling Mom that the babysitter is really dead.
  40. To be finally able to eat a whole bale of hay without throwing up violently in front of my friends and family.
  41. Make mittens... out of some kittens! (say it with a cute voice and a pause after "mittens", while giving emphasis to the oh-so-clever rhyme)
  42. Stop having so many dreams about Ric Flair.
  43. Carve a life-size statue of Roddy McDowall's character, Cornelius, from Planet of the Apes out of elephant ivory.