The Cell Tolls For Thee Part I

(Originally posted February 19, 2007)

Recently states are jumping on the bandwagon to pass laws limiting or banning talking on a cellphone while driving. Similarly sagacious people are considering banning the use of phones and music players while you cross the street in New York. Progressive? Totalitarian? Stupid?

Hardly.

These laws do not go far enough.

In this day and age, driving becomes more dangerous each hour. With all these iPods and cellular telephones and portable phonographs, there's no way any person, smart or stupid, can do more than one thing at a time, including driving. There here's a list that our wondeful congressman should enact into law to protect the interests and vitality of this nation's motorists.

1. No more visor mirrors or any kind of mirror. This is obvious. Don't put on makeup, don't shave, don't look at anything behind you (even if that person's license plate says they are a crazed follower of a particular religion and they are not really but didn't think too deeply about the choice of getting those plates). If you're so wrapped up in yourself or your kids in the back seat, you should not be driving.
2. No radio. If you're going to ban talking on phones while driving and then ban listening to music while crossing the street, it's only intuitive that you ban any kind of radio in a car. You wanna listen to KCRW and think you're better than everyone else? Nope! You wanna rock out to the In Utero tape you've had for twelve years because that's the only tape you can find now that you're CD player is busted? Nope! If you can't focus on driving while talking, you certainly can't focus on driving while listening. C'mon! The government knows what's best for you!
3. No heater or air conditioning. Anything can be a distraction. Even air that is a different temperature than the air outside. You even have to push buttons to get them to work, so there's no way you can concentrate on driving.
4. Windows always rolled up. Related to the above rule, this makes sense. If you have your windows rolled down, that means you get more noise, smells, and wind rushing into car, causing you to freak out and crash. Safety first.
5. Age limit: 25 through 55. This is a no brainer. Anyone under 25 is obviously too immature to do anything, and anyone over 55 either has Alzheimer's or dementia.
6. Wooden bench seats. Remember bench seats? The one's that you had in your family station wagon? That old Plymouth that eventually started shaking went your dad went over 40? Yeah, those long, bench seats are going to be in every car. No more comfy leather. No more adjustable seats because all cars will be equiped with 90-degree-angled bench seats. And they will be hard and wooden. You'll pay more attention and have good posture.
7. Silent turn signals. Let's face it. That ticking sound when you're making a turn is not only annoying, but incredibly dangerous. It's almost like a ticking time bomb before driving right off the 90 into Fox Hills Mall. Oh and get rid of those small blinking lights too, because colors can be distracting.
8. All cars gray. Speaking of colors being distracting, the most obvious thing here are the many colors of cars. Graphite pearl? Ruby red? Cobalt blue? No way, that's so distracting and unhealthy! All cars will now be gray. Sorry, MAACO.
9. Pedestrian uniforms. You really can't protect everyone from everyone behind the wheel, but you can try. If you're not in a car and not inside, you must now wear a bright red jumpsuit. And it's going to be really fucking red, really fucking bright. You won't be safe unless you stand out (and you will with all those gray cars around).
10. Automated eye-open system. A simple system to make sure motorists have their eyes wiiiiide open. No more sleeping, no more blinking. Full concentration. See below.